Comrades, this is an urgent safety announcement for the citizens, residents and the burgeoning asylum seeking community of the country formerly known as Great" Britain. Following reports of large scale knife crime, grooming gangs and brewing civil disorder, the brave men, women and non-binary officers of the Police have finally detained one of Britain’s most notorious criminals.
As a result of a long-running multi-agency investigation, Graham Linehan, whose offences include writing some of the best comedy shows in English-language history and being critical of transgender ideology, was arrested by 5 armed police officers at Heathrow Airport. Despite his extensive criminal history, Mr Linehan offered no resistance thanks to the professionalism of our brave officers and their massive machine guns.
The criminal mastermind was placed in a police cell before being questioned about a total of three offending tweets in which he viciously questioned whether people with penises should be allowed into women’s bathrooms. He was later taken to hospital to be treated for thinking he still lived in a free country before being released on bail.
Specialist Thought Policing officers are aware of extensive online commentary in relation to this arrest, including claims of “two tier justice”, “authoritarianism” and even descriptions of our Dear Leader as “Keir Stalin”. I would like to remind the public that we have a zero tolerance policy on hate speech and anyone found guilty of comparing Britain to the USSR will be arrested and placed in a GULAG immediately.
To prevent further criminal activity, Mr Linehan has been prohibited from tweeting. This is a temporary measure until his trial where he will inevitably be found guilty of wrongthink and given the death penalty. Unless he confesses to his crimes, makes a public apology and agrees to go on a date with India Willoughby.
In unrelated news, Ricky Jones, a Labour councillor who called for far-right activists' throats to be cut at a public rally has been found not guilty of incitement to violence.
According to the Open Border Enforcement Unit, 1,200 future doctors and nurses arrived in Dover yesterday after making the perilous crossing from war-torn France on small boats. We are aware of wide-spread concerns about the impact of asylum hotels on local communities but due to human rights legislation we cannot confirm whether they will be staying at the Ritz or the Savoy.
Finally, I would like to remind the public that in order to ensure diversity and community cohesion, this Saturday’s mostly peaceful pro-Hamas rally in central London will be going ahead as planned.
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Interesting how the most staggeringly sane social commentary comes from people who were once "comedians", like KK, Francis, and Andrew Doyle. I'm sure I ought to be able to find something much cleverer to say about that, e.g. all great comedy being filtered through existential despair, like Woody Allen and Tony Hancock and Galton and Simpson, but I'm too busy ironing my swastika T-shirt for the Pride/Hamas rally later...
Insane levels of two tier lawfare in the UK at the moment. Am I far right? No, I’m just old enough to remember back to the sixties.